There seems to be a never-ending cycle of crumbling foundations in my life. It always ends up being for the better...but in the midst of it all, I feel conflicted, sad, overwhelmed, refreshed, alone, strong, broken... A bit of all of the above I guess.
I've created a life that seems to end up leaving me alone and lonely...even if I'm in a room full of people. Why? Oh...I could list the reasons. But, I won't.
I will begin to get my footing...and I will stand up and begin to move forward. And then my world crumbles. This is something that needs to happen because I'm not living a life that is in sync with my true potential. My true self.
I'm 31. When do I get to figure it all out? I know what I want. What I desire. SO badly desire.
I'm conflicted. I'm scared. I'm hopeful. I'm lost. I'm just a girl trying to find her way in the world without hurting too many and without leaving a path of destruction.
I yearn for so much. For passion. PASSION. LOVE. Uninhabited way of living. I want to be me, fully. Raw. The woman that I am. All that I am.
I spent so much of my time running from myself. Avoiding being with just ME so that I could fully discover myself. So, here I am...31. And in my current situation, I'm alone (besides having my kids). I'm beginning to feel alive. I'm not so numb. I'm beginning to see ME again. I'm feeling strength. I'm feeling power. Love. PASSION. And it scares me. Because I feel like I don't have enough time to ground myself in this. I don't want to go back to how I was feeling. The person I was being... The life I was living. I don't want to go back.
I'm scared. There are decisions to be made. There are things that need to be done. I LOVE who I am... I HATE that I lose who I am so easily. I lose myself in taking care of others (men) that aren't in a position to take care of themselves. It's an old habit. Old behavior. But I'm in it. And I don't know if I can do it. I don't know what to do... It all is scary. No matter which direction it goes. It's scary. Probably painful, either way I go with it.
But I always recover. I always come out on top.
Dear God, I need some guidance. I need some answers. CLEAR answers. I need your guidance.
Where do I go from here? I don't want to go away ever again.... Please, tell me what to do.
