Words...and their significant insignificance.

I just spent too many minutes trying to find the perfect picture to go with this post. But... There is no point.

Several months ago, when I was about a month into working out, reading my personal development, and really starting to make some forward movement, someone said something that TOTALLY tore me down.... and I have yet to get back up.

Guess what? I ALLOWED that persons words to tear me down. They were mean. They hurt. And I let the words win.

I allowed these words to tear me down maybe lower than I was before. I totally reverted back to the 'old me'. WHY? How could I possibly allow someones words tear me down into to dirt? WHY would I allow this person to bring me down to where they were?

Words, positive or negative, have such a STRONG impact. And it take a strong person to not take those words to heart.

I let these words win. I let those words take control and win.

From this moment on, as scary as it feels and as reluctant as I am, I vow to not let anyone's words tear me down.

I want what I want. And the bottom line of it is that I want to be truly happy, healthy, strong (physically/mentally). I want confidence. I. Want. To. Be. HAPPY.

And no ones words get to bring me down.

The bottom line? I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

Words from others, through they may seem/feel significant...and insignificant when you believe in yourself.

Tears of JOY.

Sometimes...If not most of the time... When you are in a situation that is trying/challenging/scary/BIG/etc., you feel like there is no way out. You want out, but you feel trapped. Like you are under water...Drowning.

Several years ago, when I was pregnant with Taysia and her Father ended up going to prison, I got to begin my journey of learning how to stand up in the face of what felt like death, and either fight through it, or let it kill me. I fought through it. But, on the other side, I didn't really find any sort of relief. I had many more years of feeling like I was constantly drowning.

I made decisions that almost cost me anything and everything that mattered to me. I wasn't able to work consistently. I was continually faced with all sorts of challenges and scary things that overwhelmed me MOST of the time. And in that state of overwhelm, I'd shut down. Shut off. I'd give up.

Well, finally, in April of this year (2014) I decided I was DONE. I was SO done letting the tough times win. I was SO done with not being able to provide and take care of my kids, myself, my family. I was done being self defeating. I was done ruining my life by doing NOTHING to live.

April feels like a lifetime ago... And there were many times that I felt like I was doing SO much to change internally yet NOTHING was changing. And no one was seeing those changes. I wasn't even recognizing myself for those changes.

In May, I signed up as a Health and Fitness Coach with Team Beachbody. I had no idea how I was going to do this. I wasn't in shape, I wasn't healthy, I was not in a great head space. I couldn't be a coach for other people if I didn't have my life together. AND, even though I'd decided to become a coach, that wasn't going to pay the bills. What was I going to do so that we didn't end up losing the home we've been in? We were running out of options for any kind of assistance. We'd been waiting on my partners disability stuff to come through, IF it came through. I KNEW that I had made a great decision to become a coach. But I also had NO idea what I was going to do to provide for my family.

I had sent my resume out to places. None of which felt right. I was experiencing a crazy amount of resistance each and every time I sent in my resume. Feeling this way, in my opinion, made it so that I wasn't getting any solid leads or calls from these jobs.

My friend Bre let me know that the place she works was hiring. So, I got my resume in. I got a call to come in and interview. I felt like the interview had gone well. I had heard AMAZING things about this company and it sounded like something that I wanted to be a part of. The next week I got a call saying that they had decided to hire from internally. BUT, that she sent my resume over to another department's manager that was hiring. Not long after that, I got a call to interview with them. So, I did last week. I hadn't heard anything yet and I was beginning to feel super anxious.

I'd done a lot of praying and setting positive intentions, wholeheartedly. I have felt for awhile now that everything was going to be okay...That I needed to trust, and be patient. So, even though I wasn't a huge fan of that answer, I listened.

Today, I got a call from the original manager that had interviewed me. She said that they gave her some more positions to fill in her department, asked if I was still interested, when I said yes, she asked when I could start.

When I got off the phone with her, I wanted to scream, jump, yell, run around!! I was SO freaking happy and excited and AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then, I cried...My heart felt swollen with gratitude. I still feel that way. I'm tearing up as I'm writing this.

I got the job...
I'm going to finally be in a position that will allow me to truly make it so I can become self sufficient. I will be able to take care of my family. And, because my Beachbody stuff is my OWN, I get to work it when I can, from home. So, not only will I get to work for a company that I'm stoked to work for, I will also be able to continue to build my business with Beachbody on the side.

I am filled from head to toe with gratitude.

-c

Women Empower Women

Throughout my life, most of my life, I've had females that have been in my life that have been less than kind. At times, I've been one of them that has been less than kind. As I've gotten older, I've really yearned to have women in my life.

I had guy friends primarily growing up. Now that I'm an adult, I don't have those close guy friends as friends really. Even if I did, I am missing something very important. WOMEN! So many will say that girls are back stabbing, dramatic, bitches. Which can be true! IF you are surrounding yourself with those types of people. Chances are that if you are surrounded by women like that, that is probably a common theme in your life. DRAMA.

Since I've become a coach, I've come across SO MANY amazing, strong, independent, awesome women. All of whom are there to build one another up. We are all coaches. We all have the same mission in life. And we all want to see each other succeed! I've joined a powerhouse of women!  I also decided that is all that I want to have in my life. POWERHOUSE women!

This is such a rewarding, refreshing thing. And since I made the decision that I want more women friends in my life, I've been attracting the type of women that I want to have in my life.

This isn't an easy transition for me. As much as I want it, it's scary! It also means that I get to come out of my shell to socialize and trust. That is a pretty scary thing! But, I want it. So, I'm working through the fear.

I can't wait to meet these women in person. I also can't wait to move through my fears and begin building true relationships with the women I have near me.

WOMEN UNITE! This is NOT feminism. This is women empowering one another. Building one another, and NOT tearing down men or thinking we are better than anyone.

Women are amazing people. We have so much to offer. BUILD one another instead of tearing each other down.

BE ONE. We are all in this life together. Let's make one another stronger then we were the day before, the hour before, the minute before.

Who empowers you?

Not everything needs a title...

I am not entirely sure what is going on with me. I don't know if it is depression creeping back in, if I feel like I'm losing a sense of self with all of the changes I'm trying to make? I'm not sure....

I've taken on being a coach, which is awesome! But that means that I've turned my IG and my FB into more of a professional thing rather than personal. That also means that I'm limiting myself and my posts. That doesn't feel genuine to me. I guess I need to find the balance.

I debated coming here to write this because I don't want to appear to be anything but professional for the sake of my clientele. But, that's not real, is it?! I don't think so.

It is HUGE for me to be able to express myself freely. I don't do well when I feel smothered, confined, trapped, restricted. It causes me to rebel HUGELY. Which ultimately ends up a self sabotage attack. Not awesome.

So, here I am. Expressing myself. And ya know what? I'm okay with this. I want my friends, family, colleagues, to know ME. Not this person I'm TRYING so desperately to be.

Can I be ME and still be a responsible, mature (ha) adult? Why not?

I am emotional. I am spunky. I am clever, funny, artistic, creative. Why is ANY of that anything that I should stifle? Ya know what I mean?! That's not cool. And it's SO not healthy. 

It is opening my eyes to the limits that we put on ourselves. That society puts on us. And who does that work for? I mean, really? Who does that serve? Why on earth would it serve a purpose to dumb yourself down (so to speak)? Or to pretend NOT to be something/someone?  There things that have called to my soul since I was a child. Should I stifle those things and smother them out, suffocate them, for the sake of...."Maybe it makes people uncomfortable". Maybe it does! Is that my fault or my issue? NO!

I mean, I'm not going to go about dropping the 'F-BOMB' randomly on my page. I won't put my crude jokes on front street. But, I'm not going to pretend to NOT be into the things I'm into. That's SO not fair to me or my soul.

I went through something similar to this years ago when I was going through a lot of inner-work courses. I had this crazy internal conflict with myself regarding the light/dark side of things/life. Could I be truly happy and still like the night, dark art, skulls, gore, and goblins? Could I lead with light and still feel a pull to the dark? YES!! Why the FUH not?!

Do you see where I am going? That is what life is about. Light and dark. Yin and Yang. Balance. Just because I like the things I do, act the way I do, enjoy the things I do, doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. It doesn't mean that I have to be unhappy to enjoy the things that I do.

I like the light as well! Happy tears, warm fuzzies, happy go lucky music. I also love metal, horror, crude humor...

It is time to STOP smothering myself out! It is time to stop trying SO hard to be someone that I'm not. It makes me miserable and I tend to numb out. Who wants to live like that?

The only way I have ever been able to TRULY help others, to be of service, is when I am ME. PURELY ME. Not this... Professional, let me censor everything and make everything rainbows and butterflies (...where they eat rainbows and poop butterflies!).

It is tiring to feel like you have to be perfect in everything that you do. And for me, striving for this perfection ends up paralyzing me and I end up with NOTHING. I end up DOING nothing and BEING nothing. Does that sound like something that is going to bring me joy? HELL NO! NEVER. EVER... Never... It's a saddening thought, isn't it? Strive so hard internally for perfection that literally EVERY aspect of your life is the living dead...

Wow... How's that for an A'ha moment....Shit.

WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES YOUR HEART SING?! WHAT THE F*** MAKES YOU HAPPY?! WHAT?!

Yeah? THEN GO OUT AND DO IT!! Do more of what makes your heart sing. Do more of what truly brings you joy! Do more of what lights you up. Don't suffocate yourself for the sake of others opinions.

DON'T STIFLE ANY PART OF YOURSELF that is good, great, amazing.

Yes, there is evil in this world. And there are some people that do some really shitty things. Don't do those things. Don't be a shitty person.

BE YOU. WHOLLY (I had to check the spelling on this...haha). EMBRACE WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE. AND AMAZING AND F****** AWSOME!!

Love YOU because you are the only YOU out there.

Discouragement, Self Criticism, and Confidence

I've been sitting her Googling different things to find the perfect image for this blog. I can hardly bring myself to write one sentence let alone find an image! :)

I've been having a rough go for the last several days. There is a lot of chatter going on in my head. Today, I had an experience that caused me to feel a certain way. I remember feeling this way as a child, but I can't pinpoint the FEELING. 

Is it discouragement? Do I feel embarrassed? Ashamed? Stupid?

Here is what happened...
I'm part of a group within a network of Independent BB Coaches. It is a group that my coach put together to help some of us achieve our goals.

Today, I was on what I thought was my 'close friends' page on my own personal FB. It had list suggestions on the right hand side, so I began adding people to it. They were people I had recently become friends with and so I figured that they hadn't been put on my list of  'close friends' when we became FB friends.

Awhile later, I received a message that asked me not to add people to this group I referred to above. WHAT?! Oops.

Shouldn't be a huge deal. It was an honest mistake on my part. But, it triggered something inside of me to feel a plethora of things.

When this happens, and I begin to make up in my head that the person that said something to me thinks I'm stupid, worthless, or whatever other mean words you could come up with. Do they actually think these things? I doubt it. But I'm really good at convincing myself otherwise.

I AM feeling discouraged right now. About several things. And so I think that because of that, I am attracting things to challenge me and to challenge my "belief" that I'm stupid.

I have had just a few recent experiences that have brought up these feelings. I am thankful that I am able to see that more than likely this is something that is coming from my inner critic (who is an asshole, by the way). And not ^ more than likely. This IS coming from that inner critic. But why?!

I am working so hard on moving forward. On bettering my life. On bettering myself. For whatever reason, each time I begin doing something like this, I have people come into my life to take me down. It's not THEIR fault. These people aren't doing anything TO me. My self critic is. 

I don't know that I have a point to this particular Blog. Or, maybe the point is being made without much effort on my part.

Do you ever experience this?

These beliefs are something that I feel like I've been working on re-constructing for years. And so when things like this creep back up on my, I feel SUPER frustrated. 

(hey! found a pic!)

What is the lesson? HOW can I get through this and re-structure my own mind? What can I do so that if I DO make a mistake, and someone comes to me with it, I don't have a complete emotional meltdown in my head?

What happens is that I tend to react emotionally. Usually, I'd delete people (if it were in the online world) or shut down (in my real world). I am finding myself shutting down, but I recognize it, which is a big deal. That means that I can stop myself.

The part of me that goes into panic mode because she feels hurt by how STUPID people thinks she is wants to throw in the towel! "I don't want to be a coach anymore! I can't believe I did that! How STUPID can you be?! God.. That's so embarrassing. I bet they think I'm such an idiot. I'll remove myself from anything and everything attached to me becoming a coach!"

Does anyone else see/hear how absolutely crazy this thinking is?

I've voiced it... I've put it out there...Yet I still feel kinda sick to my stomach.

THE LESSON HERE...
Don't believe everything you tell yourself!! I HIGHLY doubt that my coach things ANY of those things about me. And I HIGHLY doubt that the other people in my life believe any of that stuff about me.

SHUT OFF THE NOISE!! Shut OFF the voices! They don't know you and you DO NOT need them in your life.


Oh, and just in case you missed the message... It is all about Self Love.

Love yo'self!

Job Interviews

Today I'm going in for a job interview with a company that I've heard nothing but good things about. The position I'm interviewing for is a salaried position with paid benefits. I would make enough per month that I would be able to finally support my little family.

This is huge for me. And in typing that out, I think that's why I'm feeling SO anxious and worried and nervous about it. I haven't had a lot of luck (if that's what you want to call it) for awhile. I know that previously it was because the way I was living my life wasn't in alignment with what I was TRULY wanting. I was functioning on a much lower vibration. Functioning on a lower vibration means that you attract things of a lower vibration.

Now that I've shifted quite substantially, I feel like it is time (and it is okay) to begin attracting and living these great things that I so desire. So why is it that I feel so freaked out?!

I've been sitting here trying to pin point EXACTLY what it is that's going through my head.

I don't know that it's just ONE thing. There is a lot of yapping up there. It makes it kind of muffled and hard to decipher what is actually going on.

I think that my fear is 1. That I won't get the job. 2. If I get the job, I am worried about sabotaging myself. 3. Just the basic anxiety that comes along with an interview.

Here is what I'm thinking though. I deserve this. Why not? Why wouldn't I? I can be great. I am great. I GET to be great.

Could you imagine the freedom that would come with being able to finally provide for my family? To not have to worry about how we are going to pay for our rent? Let alone other things we may need? Pretty amazing thought.

If it feels this good just visualizing it, I would imagine it will only feel pretty freaking AMAZING to live it!

God be with me today as I enter into this interview process. I ask for strength, wisdom, and calm nerves. I ask that the interview process goes smoothly, effortlessly, and fluidly. I ask for confidence. And for the best answers to come to me. I also ask that the things of my past are left there and do not hinder my present.

Time to get ready.

Wish me luck!!

-c

Sometimes... As personal as personal can be.

This is my personal space.
This is where I get to come to be me.
Completely.
Fully.
Whole.
Raw.
Pure.

Often times it isn't safe to do so in real life.
But here... Here I can be anything.
I can do anything.
I can feel everything.

Born emotional
Excitable.
Relateable.
At times maybe I'm not so reliable.
But I try.

I'm only human.
I'm here to make mistakes.
My purpose here is to LIVE.
My lessons are to be learned.

I've been lost, I have found.
I've been sleeping.
I've been missing.
I've been fleeing.

Yet, here I am.
Not so far from where I began
But I'm lightyears away from where I used to be.
Have I given up the drive to see?

I don't think so.

My eyes are open.
My mind is flowing.
My heart is racing.
This life, I'm facing.

Head on.
Head Strong.
Hum along to my song.

This is for you.
Any of you.
Does it speak to you?
Will it save you?

If I reach one person
Save them from life
Or death
Then I've done my job.

That's what I'm here for.
To help you up off the floor.
You're so much better than this.
Never forget this.

It never lasts forever.
Unless you let it.
Don't let it.

You can get past this

If you try
You can get past this


Keep moving forward.
One foot in front of the other
What is your reality?
Is it your favorite movie scene?

What makes your heart race?
Your blood flow...
Do you even know?

Slow it down
Take it on
Live it up

You are where you want to be.
Woe is me mentality
BREATHE

BELIEVE

ACHIEVE

BREATHE

BELIEVE

SUCCEED

The Struggle Continues... Or does it?

I don't know how this is for other people, but I STRUGGLE sometimes! Crazy, right?! Yeah... Well, as I stated in my original blog, I become a coach the same time I began my own personal journey. I'm working on my own health and fitness. And sometimes, I have a really hard time giving myself credit for how far I've come! So many of us are all about the instant gratification. We want to feel good, look good, be good, RIGHT NOW.

Truth is, you have to WORK for things in life. Unless you're the rare freak of nature that can pick up any instrument and play like you've been doing it your whole life. But let's face it... That is rare! Right?

Just because I've begun eating better and working out doesn't mean I'm going to have the body I've been striving for over night. I get to WORK MY BUTT OFF for it. See how I said I GET to? That is KEY. Using the word GET takes out the HAVE to. No one likes HAVE to. Or SUPPOSED to. You GET to. :)

Anyway-
We went up the canyon yesterday with family. LOTS of fun. I love how much my family has been able to overcome and heal the past so that we can be close like we are today.

I love my family

When looking at these pictures, I found myself being pretty harsh about how I look. I was having feelings and thoughts that are SO toxic!! I reached out for support from my challenge group that I'm currently a part of. They reminded me to look at what I've been doing, how far I have come, and to stop beating myself up.

This is SO important! Men and women both are SO critical of their appearances. I can't speak on behalf of men, because I'm not one. ;)
But I feel like I can speak on behalf of many women. STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF! If you are feeling unhappy with how you are feeling, the weight that you've put on (or the weight you can't seem to put on), then look at what you can do to help yourself FEEL amazing. And in the meantime, stop beating yourself up!

Rather then picking apart the things that you DON'T like, focus on what you DO like. Begin to fall in love with yourself. IT'S OKAY to do that ya know.

Remember your dream through the struggle. You will begin to find strength you didn't know you had. A strength that will keep you going when times get tough.

You are capable of SO much!! Stop holding back. GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY!! Do the things that you've been saying you can't do. BECAUSE I BET YOU THAT YOU CAN.

Love yourself through the journey. Always.

-c

Welcome to my BLOG! 

This is my first entry. I used to blog often many years ago. But as I had kids and some really tough times in my life...and was without a computer.... I stopped. But I am back and ready to rock this!!

I have begun such an AMAZING journey. I had been following this page for a year called Forward Fitness. I'm not even sure how I came across this page. I'm pretty sure that one or some of my friends had shared quotes and what not from this page and I LOVED what I was seeing.  

At some point I was contacted by Brigitte Linford (or maybe I contacted her, I honestly can't remember...)

Her story hit home with me. She battled with depression for most of her life. To the point that she'd become suicidal. She was on medications. At one point she ended up checking herself into a mental hospital. 

Anyway-
I really connected with her. And as I learned more about what she did (she is the founder of Forward Fitness by the way), and what she was about, I knew that I wanted to become a part of it. 

I didn't know how I was going to do such a thing though. I am the financial provider for my family. My significant other has an auto-immune disease that has significantly impacted his life. During that time, I wasn't making enough to pay our bills, let alone put money to ANYTHING additional. 

So, time went on. Brigitte kept in contact with me. Answered questions, offered advice, suggestions, etc. 

This year, around March or so, I had a light bulb click on in my head. My Dad had always told my sister and me that if we wanted to go to school, he'd do what he could to help us. Well, I really had no interest in going to school again. At all. BUT, I'd found this thing that I wanted to do. I wanted to be a health and fitness coach. I wanted to join Brigitte and have her as my coach/mentor. 

SO... I had a proposition for my Dad. I was going to ask him if he'd support me in getting a coaching business up and going. I brought it up to him, he was apprehensive. And rightly so! I was kind of infamous for starting and stopping things in my life. He told me he wanted to see some kind of commitment from me. So, I began eating better. I began doing things like the random push ups and sit ups. I was picking small things and doing them consistently. 

So, a few weeks later, I went back to him. STILL passionate and determined to be a coach. 

He did it. He got me started!! I will be forever grateful for this. My parents have been a ROCK for me. And not everyone has that. He made it possible for me to become a coach. For me to get my body rocking on Shakeology. And for my home fitness workout program (I went with P90X3. AMAZING by the way). 

I was OFFICIALLY a coach beginning May 20th, 2014!!! I couldn't believe it!! I was so out of shape and did NOT feel worthy of being a coach. BUT, I KNEW that this is what I want to do. THIS was my CALLING. 

And, here I am!! I'm a month in with drinking Shakeology (officially a month today, actually!), I'm on my second round of the Block 1 workout with P90X3. I'm also participating in a 21 day challenge group!! The Challenge Group has helped to hold me accountable, to keep me on track (mostly) with healthy eating, and to overall just be a great support system. 

Guess what else? My Dad was my first Shakeology Customer. AND, over the weekend, he bought a laptop so that I can run my business efficiently. How freaking awesome is that?!

So, here I am!! I decided to take life on. I decided to take my life back. And I am SO freakin STOKED to be doing what I'm doing. 

Thanks for tuning in!! Stay tuned!! There will be LOTS more to come.  :)