Not everything needs a title...

I am not entirely sure what is going on with me. I don't know if it is depression creeping back in, if I feel like I'm losing a sense of self with all of the changes I'm trying to make? I'm not sure....

I've taken on being a coach, which is awesome! But that means that I've turned my IG and my FB into more of a professional thing rather than personal. That also means that I'm limiting myself and my posts. That doesn't feel genuine to me. I guess I need to find the balance.

I debated coming here to write this because I don't want to appear to be anything but professional for the sake of my clientele. But, that's not real, is it?! I don't think so.

It is HUGE for me to be able to express myself freely. I don't do well when I feel smothered, confined, trapped, restricted. It causes me to rebel HUGELY. Which ultimately ends up a self sabotage attack. Not awesome.

So, here I am. Expressing myself. And ya know what? I'm okay with this. I want my friends, family, colleagues, to know ME. Not this person I'm TRYING so desperately to be.

Can I be ME and still be a responsible, mature (ha) adult? Why not?

I am emotional. I am spunky. I am clever, funny, artistic, creative. Why is ANY of that anything that I should stifle? Ya know what I mean?! That's not cool. And it's SO not healthy. 

It is opening my eyes to the limits that we put on ourselves. That society puts on us. And who does that work for? I mean, really? Who does that serve? Why on earth would it serve a purpose to dumb yourself down (so to speak)? Or to pretend NOT to be something/someone?  There things that have called to my soul since I was a child. Should I stifle those things and smother them out, suffocate them, for the sake of...."Maybe it makes people uncomfortable". Maybe it does! Is that my fault or my issue? NO!

I mean, I'm not going to go about dropping the 'F-BOMB' randomly on my page. I won't put my crude jokes on front street. But, I'm not going to pretend to NOT be into the things I'm into. That's SO not fair to me or my soul.

I went through something similar to this years ago when I was going through a lot of inner-work courses. I had this crazy internal conflict with myself regarding the light/dark side of things/life. Could I be truly happy and still like the night, dark art, skulls, gore, and goblins? Could I lead with light and still feel a pull to the dark? YES!! Why the FUH not?!

Do you see where I am going? That is what life is about. Light and dark. Yin and Yang. Balance. Just because I like the things I do, act the way I do, enjoy the things I do, doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. It doesn't mean that I have to be unhappy to enjoy the things that I do.

I like the light as well! Happy tears, warm fuzzies, happy go lucky music. I also love metal, horror, crude humor...

It is time to STOP smothering myself out! It is time to stop trying SO hard to be someone that I'm not. It makes me miserable and I tend to numb out. Who wants to live like that?

The only way I have ever been able to TRULY help others, to be of service, is when I am ME. PURELY ME. Not this... Professional, let me censor everything and make everything rainbows and butterflies (...where they eat rainbows and poop butterflies!).

It is tiring to feel like you have to be perfect in everything that you do. And for me, striving for this perfection ends up paralyzing me and I end up with NOTHING. I end up DOING nothing and BEING nothing. Does that sound like something that is going to bring me joy? HELL NO! NEVER. EVER... Never... It's a saddening thought, isn't it? Strive so hard internally for perfection that literally EVERY aspect of your life is the living dead...

Wow... How's that for an A'ha moment....Shit.

WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES YOUR HEART SING?! WHAT THE F*** MAKES YOU HAPPY?! WHAT?!

Yeah? THEN GO OUT AND DO IT!! Do more of what makes your heart sing. Do more of what truly brings you joy! Do more of what lights you up. Don't suffocate yourself for the sake of others opinions.

DON'T STIFLE ANY PART OF YOURSELF that is good, great, amazing.

Yes, there is evil in this world. And there are some people that do some really shitty things. Don't do those things. Don't be a shitty person.

BE YOU. WHOLLY (I had to check the spelling on this...haha). EMBRACE WHAT MAKES YOU UNIQUE. AND AMAZING AND F****** AWSOME!!

Love YOU because you are the only YOU out there.